ANQUAN BOLDIN, WR
He’s not old, he’s my exact age. His foundation supports dental programs for children. I brush my teeth about seven times a day, so now you understand my excitement.
GLENN DORSEY, DE (former team: KC Chiefs)
Pro: His first sack in the NFL was against Philip Rivers.
Con: He has only had four sacks in 3 years.
Pro: That’s probably because he’s switched up positions, proving he’s versatile.
DAN SKUTA, LB (former team: CIN Bengals)
The hope is that he upgrades our punt protection unit? I’m asking because I really don’t know.
CRAIG DAHL, S (former team: STL Rams)
He is not related to Roald. He played QB in high school. He got a 22 on the Wonderlic, a score that corresponds to the skills necessary for a bank teller. None of these things make me confident in his abilities as a safety, but we couldn’t beat the Rams last year, so maybe he was a part of that?
MARLON MOORE, WR (former team: MIA Dolphins)
Seems nice, but was a Cowboys fan growing up, while living in Oakland, so outlook not so good.
PHIL DAWSON, K (former team: CLE Browns)
He went 29-31 last year. He has a rule named after him, which allows kicks that hit the crossbar to be reviewed. This is my favorite pickup yet.
DARCEL MCBATH, S (former team: SF 49ers)
I had no idea he was a San Francisco 49er.
DASHON GOLDSON, S (went to: TB Buccaneers)
Our secondary is indeed soft and I started having doubts about The Hawk toward the end of the season is what I tell myself to make myself feel better when I realize we don’t have him anymore.
ALEX SMITH, QB (went to: KC Chiefs)
Aside from his reliable-to-solid on the field play, Alex Smith is the goody-two-shoes friend that gets ushered into the high school cool clique for the sole purpose of keeping worrisome parents at bay. I know how he feels and I will miss my comrade in arms. (P.S. What is the bad kid version? Sally-lost-her-shoes-cause-she’s-a-slut?)
DELANIE WALKER, TE (went to: TEN Titans)
Delanie Walker makes Vern better and he knows how to block. I understand losing Goldson because he’s not worth 40-ish million dollars, but DWalk went for about a fourth of that price and was at least 3/4 as helpful, in my opinion. Math!
RICKY JEAN FRANCOIS, T (went to: IND Colts)
I am devastated to be losing this:
After denouncing his involvement in the ‘It Gets Better’ anti-bullying campaign when he found out his message was being used in support of gay teens, I say good riddance.
TED GINN, JR., WR (went to: CAR Panthers)
He made plays but was injured often. We can recoup in the draft or with Darcel McBath, just kidding he’s not a 49er, oh wait…