WEEK ELEVEN: GOSSIP GIRLS

Last week’s Niners game was awful. Colin Kaepernick took a record number of sacks, was intercepted one and a half times, and his total QBR went from a 117 to a 42. It seemed like something other than the Panthers defense was getting him down. The only thing that could cause that big of a turnaround in production? A lady. He has a newishly rumored girlfriend Micha or Marie (depending on internet reports), an 18 year old ASU track star. They probably had an argument about how he wasn’t taking her track meets seriously.

There’s also his ex Sydney Leroux, who’s been flooding the internet and probably his brain with antics such as this.

Or maybe his other alleged ex Sanaa Lathan pulled him away for some pre-gaming of her own.

Dude’s got ladies coming out of his biceps and his game is affecting his game. For this week’s picks, I checked into potential relationship red flags to determine which quarterbacks had a better chance of keeping focused on the field.

JETS @ BILLS

My pick: BILLS

EJ Manuel doesn’t have an alleged girlfriend, but Geno Smith has this:

As Harold Hill once said, We got Trouble in River City. #MusicManreference #AnyFootballTheatercrossoverfansoutthere #no? #ok

FALCONS @ BUCCANNERS

My pick: Falcons

Matt Ryan’s wife Sarah just took a job in sales with the WNBA and is a former athlete herself. She knows better than to distract him on game day. Mike Glennon’s girlfriend Jess Wetherill’s Twitter bio reads “It’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring”, which sounds like the epiphany of a drunk college girl.

LIONS @ STEELERS

My pick: Lions

Matt Stafford has been with Kelly Hall since college. She is hot, recently stuck up for herself and her implants on Twitter and the two of them wore a couples costume together this Halloween (he a ref, she a sexy ref). Matt Stafford’s got to be feeling pretty confident out there these days to let something like this fly…

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REDSKINS @ EAGLES

My pick: Eagles

You’d think RGIII’s relationship is solid based on his current Twitter activity which boasts “Good laugh at lunch today with the wife. Some people don’t care what’s on the menu. They just wanna use the restaurant john”, but you’d be wrong. He is currently involved in a scandal with a Hooters waitress (can’t it just for once be a Bennigan’s?) and the fact that she may or may not have texted and FaceTimed with RGIII on his wedding day. Whether or not that’s true, the alleged mistress’ Twitter feed is a lot of:  “@KatelynBryce: Just realized I haven’t worn a bra all day… Yup even to lab.. Is that weird? 😂😂😂” same here!”, so he’s got plenty on his dinner plate at the moment.

CARDINALS @ JAGUARS

My pick: Cardinals

Carson Palmer’s wife is a former USC soccer player and they’ve been together since college. They have four year old twins. Chad Henne’s wife just had a baby. Newborns beat four year olds in the stress department.

RAIDERS @ TEXANS

My pick: Texans

Case Keenum’s wife Kimberly had her bridal portraits taken in the stadium. That’s a level of dedication I don’t understand but can certainly judge. This woman lives for keeping her husband happy on that field.

RAVENS @ BEARS

My pick: Bears

Joe Flacco is one of the oddly many quarterbacks who have recently taken the field while their wife was in the hospital giving birth. That’s stressful enough, but when you take into account their height/size differential, I would think communication would be their biggest issue. Mainly, how does he hear her all the way up at that altitude? How does he not mistake her for a snack?

BROWNS @ BENGALS

My pick: Bengals

A quick Twitsearch reveals MAJOR drama in the Weeden household. His wife Melanie’s most recent tweet: “Welp, I just cut 8 inches of my hair off. 😯” Men fear change more than elephants fear mice and they definitely don’t understand our need to emotionally vent on our hair follicles, so I’d imagine Mr. Weeden is spending a lot of his time stressed about how to make it up to Melanie after giving her a deadly “it’s just…different!”

CHARGERS @ DOLPHINS

My pick: Chargers

A lot going on in this one. Philip Rivers’ wife Tiffany gave birth to their SEVENTH child a little over two weeks ago. Normally, a new baby would be super stressful, but the Rivers have an entire staff of children on hand to help out, so it can’t be all bad. Ryan Tannehill, however, is married Lauren Tannehill, who is more famous for being hot than he is for being an NFL quarterback. Keeping the most coveted woman on the internet happy has got to be just as terrifying as evading a five man rush. Our thoughts are with you, RT.

PACKERS @ GIANTS

My pick: Giants

Eli Manning and his wife Abby are college sweethearts and have a two year old. Scott Tolzien has no active Twitter, Instagram or Tinder profile, so I can’t very accurately analyze his social life, but he does have his first career NFL start this week. So there’s that.

VIKINGS @ SEAHAWKS

My pick: Seahawks

As much as it really pains me to say it…Like, migraine pains me to say it…Russell Wilson and his wife Ashton just might be the sweetest thing going. They’ve been together since high school, they volunteer together weekly at Seattle Children’s Hospital, and this was Ashton on draft day:

49ers @ SAINTS

My pick: No comment

See above for my analysis of the Kaepernick situation. Drew Brees, on the other hand, has been together with his wife Brittany since college. The biggest drama in their lives is the family’s lactose insensitivity.

CHIEFS @ BRONCOS

My pick: Chiefs

Peyton’s wife Ashley bought a minority stake in the Memphis Grizzlies a year ago and they have one year old twins. Aside from that, Ashley keeps a very, very low public profile. Alex Smith’s wife Elizabeth has an active Instagram feed which is full of pictures of their two adorable boys, including this one, which is just another example of how Alex is game for anything and everything. Not even being devoured by Goofy can phase this guy.

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PATRIOTS @ PANTHERS

My pick: Patriots

Cam Newton may or may not be engaged to his girlfriend Hazel, a former stripper without a last name whom may or may not be pregnant. There’s also Twitter evidence that he is cheating on her with Promise B Mae, a radio personality.

I just don’t know how much more hot a mess can get.

WEEK EIGHT: THE GRIMM REALITY – NFC edition

The third season of Grimm premiered this week! If you thought I wouldn’t tie that into this week’s blog, you are so wrong it’s scary.

Here are the NFC West coaches and their corresponding Wesen identities, based mostly on appearance but also gossip.

If you haven’t seen Grimm and are confused, WATCH GRIMM ALREADY!!

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WEEK SIX: CASTING CALLS

Watching Matt Schaub get worked by the Niners last week got me thinking. He sure doesn’t look like an NFL quarterback.

I’m not even referring to his game play, I just mean his face. Judging by his face, he should be a…well, see below.

This week, I’m casting each team’s quarterback in the role they more obviously fit, aesthetically speaking.

I mean…that’s how I get my jobs. #witch

 

Aaron Rodgers

Dependent on how much facial hair he’s sporting, Rodgers is a Dermatologist, a Contractor, or The Guy Who Delivered You a Pizza in 1973.

 

Joe Flacco

Yes, I just wanted an excuse to use this photo, but swap those bears for a “SOLD” sign, and he’s a Real Estate Agent, surfing the best bus stop benches in the tri-state area.

 

Andy Dalton

Andy Dalton is an eHarmony Spokesman.

 

EJ Manuel

The only photos of EJ Manuel out of uniform are EJ Manuel out of shirt. Therefore, EJ Manuel is Captain Sean Renard on Grimm. #shirtlessrage

 

Matt Stafford

Matt Stafford is a Bacardi Limón Brand Rep.

 

Brandon Weeden

Brandon Weeden is a Tucson, AZ Chase Bank Branch Manager.

 

Sam Bradford

In and out of glasses, Sam Bradford is The Property Brothers.

 

Matt Schaub

Matt Schaub is The Guy who Works for his Wife’s Father’s Commercial Real Estate Firm.

 

Terrell Pryor

Terrell Pryor is Madonna’s New Trainer/Boyfriend.

 

Alex Smith

Alex Smith is the Sixth Member of *NSYNC.

 

Cam Newton

Cam Newton is a Yacht Owner.

 

Christian Ponder

Christian Ponder is the Manager of a Westchester County GNC/SoulCycle Instructor.

 

Ben Roethlisberger

Ben Roethlisberger is a Hot Tub Salesman.

 

Geno Smith

With that suit and that expression, Smith can be one of two things: NBA Coach or Morgan Stanley Senior Investment Strategist.

 

Nick Foles

There’s no one who looks more like a “Nick” than Nick Foles. Nick Foles Manages the Ski Department at a Boulder REI.

 

Mike Glennon

Mike Glennon is Junior Class President.

 

Chad Henne

Chad Henne and his wife, Brittany.

Chad Henne Does Whatever his Wife Tells Him to Do.

 

Peyton Manning

Manning Face could say many things, especially “Sorry, ma’am. Dreyer’s Peppermint Ice Cream is a seasonal flavor.”

Peyton Manning is Manager of a Kroger Grocery Store.

 

Ryan Fitzpatrick

Ryan Fitzpatrick is The Guy Who Cut Down the Wood that Went into Your Artisan Crafted Farmhouse Dining Table and Chairs.

 

Russell Wilson

Russell Wilson wears a smirk better than anyone. He is a NARC Undercover as a High School Chemistry Teacher.

 

Drew Brees

Drew Brees is a Pediatric Dentist. He married his hygienist.

 

Tom Brady

Tom Brady is the Actor Who Played Tom Brady in the Movie version of Super Bowl XLVI.

 

Carson Palmer

Carson Palmer Owns the Local Pizza Joint.

 

Colin Kaepernick

This is, literally, the only picture I found of Kaep that wasn’t shirtless or in uniform.

Colin Kaepernick is a The Real World Cast Member.

 

Robert Griffin III

Robert Griffin III is Shift Manager at a Juice Press in the East Village.

It’s the dreds and the grin and the looking totally high all the time. New Yorkers, back me up on this one.

 

Tony Romo

Tony Romo is a Top 40 Crossover Country Singer.

 

Andrew Luck

Andrew Luck Owns an SAT Tutoring Company.

 

Philip Rivers

Philip Rivers is a Florida Country Club Golf Pro.

 

Eli Manning

Eli Manning is an Entertainment Lawyer. Just trust me on this one.

 

Jay Cutler

It’s worth noting that most google images of a “Jay Cutler” search are this guy:

And Kristin Cavallari.

But this guy…

Inherited his Dad’s Bar but is currently serving time after being charged with seven counts of giving alcohol to minors.

 

Matt Ryan

Matt Ryan is a Massachusetts State Representative. Yes, because he looks like a Kennedy.

 

Ryan Tannehill

Ryan Tannehill just looks happy to be there (especially while his wife gets Aikman’d), so he is an NFL Equipment Manager.

 

 

WEEK FIVE BATTLES

The success of last week’s picks was an improvement on the previous week’s, but not by much.

That failure can most likely be blamed on the on the subjectivity of a flower’s beauty, SO!

This week I’m picking based on the rules of War (the card game).

The team with the higher starting quarterback jersey number wins. Very simple math.

It’s worth noting that Peyton Manning’s 18 is the highest of the lot, making him General.

 

NO SAINTS @ CHI BEARS

Drew Brees: 9

Jay Cutler: 6

MY PICK: Bears

 

NE PATRIOTS @ CIN BENGALS

Tom Brady: 12

Andy Dalton: 14

MY PICK: Bengals

 

DET LIONS @ GB PACKERS

Matt Stafford: 9

Aaron Rodgers: 12

MY PICK: Packers

 

SEA SEAHAWKS @ IND COLTS

Russell Wilson: 3

Andrew Luck: 12

MY PICK: Colts

 

BAL RAVENS @ MIA DOLPHINS

Joe Flacco: 5

Ryan Tannehill: 17

MY  PICK: Dolphins

 

PHI EAGLES @ NY GIANTS

Michael Vick: 7

Eli Manning: 10

MY PICK: Giants

 

JAX JAGUARS @ STL RAMS

Chad Henne: 7

Sam Bradford: 8

MY PICK: Rams

 

KC CHIEFS @ TEN TITANS

Alex Smith: 11

Ryan Fitzpatrick: 4

MY PICK: Chiefs

 

CAR PANTHERS @ ARI CARDINALS

Cam Newton: 1

Carson Palmer: 3

MY PICK: Cardinals

 

DEN BRONCOS @ DAL COWBOYS

Peyton Manning: 18

Tony Romo: 9

MY PICK: Broncos

 

HOU TEXANS @ SF 49ERS

Matt Schaub: 8

Colin Kaepernick: 7

MY PICK: Too close to call (gulp).

 

SD CHARGERS @ OAK RAIDERS

Philip Rivers: 17

Terrell Pryor: 2

MY PICK: Chargers

 

NY JETS @ ATL FALCONS

Geno Smith: 7

Matt Ryan: 2

MY PICK: Jets

 

Last week: 5-14

 

 

WEEK FOUR: FLOWER POWER

Do you know your team’s state’s flower? I do! This week, I picked games based on the attractiveness and overall prettiness of the flowers representing each state, since most of the 49ers are in the recovery room right now. #Getwellsoon

(In the case of two teams from the same state playing each other, I judged city flags, of course)

BAL Ravens @ BUF Bills                     

Maryland: Black Eyed Susan   

 

New York: Rose    

WINNER: Ravens, because Roses make me think of the Bachelor which makes me think of barf, which is not at all pretty.

 

CIN Bengals @ CLE Browns

Cincinnati Flag:   

Cleveland Flag:   

WINNER: Bengals, because the Cleveland flag looks like the generic Rite Aid version of Cincy’s. Not pretty.

 

CHI Bears @ DET Lions

Illinois: Pansy   

Michigan: Apple Blossom  

WINNER: Bears, because even though the word apple blossom is cute, a pansy was my sorority’s flower.

 

SEA Seahawks @ HOU Texans

Washington: Rhododendron    

Texas: Bluebonnet  

WINNER: Texans, because Bluebonnets are prettier and taller and I took Bluebonnet brand vitamins this morning.

 

IND Colts @ JAX Jaguars

Indiana: Peony  

Florida:   Orange blossom   

WINNER: Colts, because although orange blossoms smell prettier, peonies look prettier.

 

NY Giants @ KC Chiefs

New York: Rose  

Missouri: Hawthorn  

WINNER: Chiefs, because see above. A Hawthorn is NOT very competitive in the pretty flower wars, so it’s very lucky they’ve got a New York team this week.

 

PIT Steelers @ MIN Vikings

Pennsylvania: Mountain Laurel  

Minnesota: Lady’s Slipper  

WINNER: Steelers, because Mountain Laurels look like parasols, which are very ladylike and pretty.

 

ARI Cardinals @ TB Buccaneers

Arizona: Saguaro Blossom  

Florida: Orange Blossom   

WINNER: Battle of the Blossoms! Buccaneers win, based mostly on the success of the Jo Malone orange blossom scented candle.

 

NY Jets @ TEN Titans

New York: Rose   

Tennessee: Iris   

WINNER: Titans. New York teams just aren’t going to win at all this week.

 

PHI Eagles @ DEN Broncos

Pennsylvania: Mountain Laurel  

Colorado: Columbine   

WINNER: Broncos, because how pretty is that Columbine? Plus obvious emotional remembrance bonus points.

 

WAS Redskins @ OAK Raiders

Washington, D.C.: American Beauty Rose   

California: Poppy   

WINNER: Raiders, because a rose by any other name would smell as sweet but also still be a rose and you know how I feel about roses.

 

DAL Cowboys @ SD Chargers

Texas: Bluebonnet  

California: Poppy  

WINNER: San Diego. I like both of these flowers, but poppies are very cheerful and that’s like being pretty AND having a good personality.

 

NE Patriots @ ATL Falcons

Massachusetts: Mayflower  

Georgia: Cherokee Rose   

WINNER: Falcons. These are both Plain Janes of the flower world, but a Cherokee Rose has one more petal than the Mayflower, so that’s got to count for something.

 

MIA Dolphins @ NO Saints

Florida: Orange Blossom   

Louisiana: Magnolia   

WINNER: Dolphins. This is a very tricky one because both flowers are classic beauties and very fragrant, but an Orange Blossom has sturdier and silkier petals.