WEEK 3 PICKS: DEARLY BELOVED

For this week’s picks, I looked at the importance of the offensive line. Points don’t get put on the board without a strong, committed and faithful offensive line, giving the quarterback time to make good decisions. The only obvious way to judge the potential effectiveness of the O-line is to see which members are married.

Certainly, those gents understand the importance of commitment, faithfulness and good decision making. And if not that, they’ve got wives keeping them home at night, insuring a better night’s sleep than their single counterparts.

Probably.

In case of a tie, amount of children have been factored.

HOU Texans @ BAL Ravens

Houston: 2 out of 5 MARRIED

Baltimore: 1 out of 5 MARRIED

[HOUSTON]

 

NY Giants @ CAR Panthers

New York: 4 out of 5 MARRIED

Carolina: 2 out of 5 MARRIED

[NEW YORK]

 

GB Packers @ CIN Bengals

Green Bay: 3 out of 5 MARRIED (2 children)

Cincinnati: 3 out of 5 MARRIED (0 children)

[GREEN BAY]

 

STL Rams @ DAL Cowboys

St. Louis: 3.5 out of 5 MARRIED (Rodger Saffold is engaged)

Dallas: 0 out of 5 MARRIED

[ST. LOUIS]

 

CLE Browns @ MIN Vikings

Cleveland: 1 out of 5 MARRIED

Minnesota: 2 out of 5 MARRIED

[MINNESOTA]

 

TB Buccaneers @ NE Patriots

Tampa Bay: 1 out of 5 MARRIED

New England: 2 out of 5 MARRIED

[NEW ENGLAND]

 

AZ Cardinals @ NO Saints

Arizona: 2 out of 5 MARRIED

New Orleans: 3 out of 5 MARRIED

[NEW ORLEANS]

 

SD Chargers @ TEN Titans

San Diego: 2 out of 5 MARRIED (2 children)

Tennessee: 2 out of 5 MARRIED (Levitre posted a ‘side boob’ pic of his girlfriend -1)

[SAN DIEGO]

 

DET Lions @ WAS Redskins

Detroit: 2 out of 5 MARRIED

Washington: 3 out of 5 MARRIED

[WASHINGTON]

 

ATL Falcons @ MIA Dolphins

Atlanta: 1 out of 5 MARRIED

Miami: 1 out of 5 MARRIED (1 child)

[MIAMI]

 

BUF Bills @ NY Jets

Buffalo: 2 out of 5 MARRIED

New York: 2 out of 5 MARRIED

No kids, but D’Brickashaw Ferguson’s foundation advises children on healthy eating habits and ways to stay active.

[NEW YORK]

 

JAX Jaguars @ SEA Seahawks

Jacksonville: 3 out of 5 MARRIED (Brad Meester has 6 girls and a child named Adalynn)

Seattle: 1 out of 5 MARRIED

[JACKSONVILLE, AW SHITE]

 

IND Colts @ SF 49ers

Indianapolis: 2 out of 5 MARRIED

San Francisco: 4 out of 5 MARRIED

[SAN FRANCISCO]

 

CHI Bears @ PIT Steelers

Chicago: 3 out of 5 MARRIED

Pittsburgh: 2 out of 5 MARRIED

[CHICAGO]

 

OAK Raiders @ DEN Broncos

Oakland: 0 out of 5 MARRIED

Denver: 0 out of 5 MARRIED (but Denver’s Center is named Manny Ramirez and the baseball Manny Ramirez has 3 children, so…)

[DENVER]

QUICK PICKS: WEEK TWO

Hi, football friends!

No theme this week. On account of this being the first post of the season, I’m going with the ol’ gut.

STL @ ATL

My pick: STL

Why: Dragon Con (in Atlanta) gave me a cold.

CLE @ BAL

My pick: CLE

Why: The only way you’ll get me to pick the Ravens is if they play the Seahawks.

CAR @ BUF

My pick: CAR

Why: Cam Newton has 106, 479 Twitter followers and only one single tweet since his draft day two years ago. The only person with a more inexplicably devoted Twitter following is Ryan Gosling. You do that math.

MIN @ CHI

My pick: CHI

Why: Adrian Peterson can’t hand-off the ball to himself. Yet.

WAS @ GB

My pick: GB

Why: All those telling Clay Matthews to pick on someone his own size? 1.91m Clay Matthews, meet 1.88m RGIII. #metrics

TEN @ HOU

My pick: TEN

Why: I had really good hush puppies in LA this week.

MIA @ IND

My pick: IND

Why: Mike Wallace is gonna need at least one more weeks to wipe the money out of his eyes.

DAL @ KC

My pick: KC

Why: I feel for Alex Smith like a little brother who just found a sweet new girlfriend after his old one cheated with the captain of the football team. Alex, just don’t fart in front of her too soon!

SD @ PHI

My pick: PHI

Why: Wouldn’t Mint Chocolate Chip Kelly would be a great ice cream flavor?

DET @ ARI

My pick: DET

Why: Two of my nearest/dearest had a baby this week, she’s gorgeous, and parents both have Michigan roots. Family pick.

NO @ TB

My pick: NO

Why: I feel bad I didn’t finish all of Treme.

DEN @ NYG

My pick: NYG

Why: Eli and Peyton had the EXACT same completion percentage last week, but I miss New York.

JAX @ OAK

My pick: OAK

Why: I have no idea who Oakland’s QB is, but I know that both of Jacksonville’s whole situation is a mess.

SF @ SEA

My pick: SF

Why: I’m too nervous to type.

PIT @ CIN

My pick: CIN

Why: Orange is the New Black

My Feelings on 49ers’ Free Agency (or… C-List Stars Without Makeup!)

WE GOT:

ANQUAN BOLDIN, WR

I feel…
IMG_4736

 

 

 

 

 

EXCITED

He’s not old, he’s my exact age. His foundation supports dental programs for children. I brush my teeth about seven times a day, so now you understand my excitement.

GLENN DORSEY, DE (former team: KC Chiefs)

I feel…

IMG_4737

 

 

 

 

 

 

HOPEFUL

Pro: His first sack in the NFL was against Philip Rivers.
Con: He has only had four sacks in 3 years.
Pro: That’s probably because he’s switched up positions, proving he’s versatile.
Verdict: Maybs?

DAN SKUTA, LB (former team: CIN Bengals)

I feel…

IMG_4743

 

 

 

 

 

 

SKEPTICAL

The hope is that he upgrades our punt protection unit? I’m asking because I really don’t know.

CRAIG DAHL, S (former team: STL Rams)

I feel…

IMG_4745

 

 

 

 

 

 

WORRIED

He is not related to Roald. He played QB in high school. He got a 22 on the Wonderlic, a score that corresponds to the skills necessary for a bank teller. None of these things make me confident in his abilities as a safety, but we couldn’t beat the Rams last year, so maybe he was a part of that?

MARLON MOORE, WR (former team: MIA Dolphins)

I feel…

IMG_4749

 

 

 

 

 

 

ANNOYED

Seems nice, but was a Cowboys fan growing up, while living in Oakland, so outlook not so good.

PHIL DAWSON, K (former team: CLE Browns)

I feel…

IMG_4751

 

 

 

 

 

 

SO HAPPY

He went 29-31 last year. He has a rule named after him, which allows kicks that hit the crossbar to be reviewed. This is my favorite pickup yet.

DARCEL MCBATH, S (former team: SF 49ers)

I feel…

IMG_4753

 

 

 

 

 

 

CONFUSED

I had no idea he was a San Francisco 49er.

WE LOST:

DASHON GOLDSON, S (went to: TB Buccaneers)

I feel…

IMG_4743

 

 

 

 

 

 

SKEPTICAL

Our secondary is indeed soft and I started having doubts about The Hawk toward the end of the season is what I tell myself to make myself feel better when I realize we don’t have him anymore.

ALEX SMITH, QB (went to: KC Chiefs)

I feel…

IMG_4759

 

 

 

 

 

 

WISTFUL

Aside from his reliable-to-solid on the field play, Alex Smith is the goody-two-shoes friend that gets ushered into the high school cool clique for the sole purpose of keeping worrisome parents at bay. I know how he feels and I will miss my comrade in arms. (P.S. What is the bad kid version? Sally-lost-her-shoes-cause-she’s-a-slut?)

DELANIE WALKER, TE (went to: TEN Titans)

I feel…

IMG_4760

 

 

 

 

 

 

MAD

Delanie Walker makes Vern better and he knows how to block. I understand losing Goldson because he’s not worth 40-ish million dollars, but DWalk went for about a fourth of that price and was at least 3/4 as helpful, in my opinion. Math!

RICKY JEAN FRANCOIS, T (went to: IND Colts)

I feel…

Image 20

SAD

I am devastated to be losing this:

ISAAC SOPOAGA

I feel…

Image 2

 

 

 

 

 

 

HAPPY

After denouncing his involvement in the ‘It Gets Better’ anti-bullying campaign when he found out his message was being used in support of gay teens, I say good riddance.

TED GINN, JR., WR (went to: CAR Panthers)

I feel…

IMG_4755

 

 

 

 

 

 

WHATEVS

He made plays but was injured often. We can recoup in the draft or with Darcel McBath, just kidding he’s not a 49er, oh wait…

49ers Class of 2013 Super Bowl Superlatives

The student body (I) has (have) voted!

Your 2013 Super Bowl Superlatives for 49HS are…

CUTEST COUPLE: Dashon Goldson & Donte Whitner

20130202-091610.jpg

http://www.nfl.com/videos/nfl-game-highlights/0ap2000000112518/Whitner-forces-fumble

MOST LIKELY TO SUCCEED: LaMichael James

LMJ

http://www.nfl.com/videos/san-francisco-49ers/0ap2000000068196/Rollin-With-LaMichael-James

MOST LIKELY TO SECEDE: Randy Moss

moss

http://www.sbnation.com/nfl/2013/1/29/3929120/super-bowl-2013-randy-moss-unhappy-role-49ers

GUY YOU CAN (most successfully) TAKE HOME TO YOUR PARENTS: Patrick Willis

So gracious! So strong! So much overcoming of so much adversity! So much homeowning! p.s. ‘sup Singletary

MOST LIKELY TO SNEAK UP ON YOU IN A DARK ALLEY: Justin Smith

justin smith

http://www.nfl.com/videos/nfl-game-highlights/09000d5d82600ee5/No-stopping-him

CLASS CLOWN: Joe Staley

“look up the eighties!”

BIGGEST FLIRT: Vernon Davis

vernshirtless

http://nfl.cpl.delvenetworks.com/player/carousel/yahoo.html?channelId=de89a8aeb3e422bac4eb48567f10ebd0&channelListId&mediaId=e27710791bf6451894f881dba0608b44

MOST LIKELY TO APPEAR ON SNL (as The Teenager Who Just Woke Up): Michael Crabtree

MOST TEAM SPIRIT: Anthony Dixon (Gold(rush)-ilocks)

Anthony Dixon 1

WORST CASE OF SENIORITIS: David Akers (I mean, he’s definitely got a case of something)

akers

MOST DEPENDABLE: Frank Gore

Screen Shot 2013-02-01 at 4.20.33 PM

MOST LIKELY TO GET STUFFED IN A LOCKER: Alex Smith

 alex smith

MOST CHANGED SINCE ROOKIE YEAR: Mike Iupati

Rookie Mike

mike iupati 2

Third Year Mike

iupati after

   

BEST DRESSED: Aldon Smith

AldonSmith1                           Aldon Smith 3

BEST WORST HAIR: Alex Boone

alex boone

TEACHER’S PET: Colin Kaepernick

harbaugh kaep

http://www.49ers.com/news/article-2/Colin-Kaepernick-Change-the-Game/3f3bf720-836e-471e-a824-1283238b854c

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