ANQUAN BOLDIN, WR

I feel…

EXCITED

He’s not old, he’s my exact age. His foundation supports dental programs for children. I brush my teeth about seven times a day, so now you understand my excitement.

GLENN DORSEY, DE (former team: KC Chiefs)

I feel…

HOPEFUL

Pro: His first sack in the NFL was against Philip Rivers.
Con: He has only had four sacks in 3 years.
Pro: That’s probably because he’s switched up positions, proving he’s versatile.
Verdict: Maybs?

DAN SKUTA, LB (former team: CIN Bengals)

I feel…

SKEPTICAL

The hope is that he upgrades our punt protection unit? I’m asking because I really don’t know.

CRAIG DAHL, S (former team: STL Rams)

I feel…

WORRIED

He is not related to Roald. He played QB in high school. He got a 22 on the Wonderlic, a score that corresponds to the skills necessary for a bank teller. None of these things make me confident in his abilities as a safety, but we couldn’t beat the Rams last year, so maybe he was a part of that?

MARLON MOORE, WR (former team: MIA Dolphins)

I feel…

ANNOYED

Seems nice, but was a Cowboys fan growing up, while living in Oakland, so outlook not so good.

PHIL DAWSON, K (former team: CLE Browns)

I feel…

SO HAPPY

He went 29-31 last year. He has a rule named after him, which allows kicks that hit the crossbar to be reviewed. This is my favorite pickup yet.

DARCEL MCBATH, S (former team: SF 49ers)

I feel…

CONFUSED

I had no idea he was a San Francisco 49er.

WE LOST:

DASHON GOLDSON, S (went to: TB Buccaneers)

I feel…

SKEPTICAL

Our secondary is indeed soft and I started having doubts about The Hawk toward the end of the season is what I tell myself to make myself feel better when I realize we don’t have him anymore.

ALEX SMITH, QB (went to: KC Chiefs)

I feel…

WISTFUL

Aside from his reliable-to-solid on the field play, Alex Smith is the goody-two-shoes friend that gets ushered into the high school cool clique for the sole purpose of keeping worrisome parents at bay. I know how he feels and I will miss my comrade in arms. (P.S. What is the bad kid version? Sally-lost-her-shoes-cause-she’s-a-slut?)

DELANIE WALKER, TE (went to: TEN Titans)

I feel…

MAD

Delanie Walker makes Vern better and he knows how to block. I understand losing Goldson because he’s not worth 40-ish million dollars, but DWalk went for about a fourth of that price and was at least 3/4 as helpful, in my opinion. Math!

RICKY JEAN FRANCOIS, T (went to: IND Colts)

I feel…

SAD

I am devastated to be losing this:

ISAAC SOPOAGA

I feel…

HAPPY

After denouncing his involvement in the ‘It Gets Better’ anti-bullying campaign when he found out his message was being used in support of gay teens, I say good riddance.

TED GINN, JR., WR (went to: CAR Panthers)

I feel…

WHATEVS

He made plays but was injured often. We can recoup in the draft or with Darcel McBath, just kidding he’s not a 49er, oh wait…

Your 2013 Super Bowl Superlatives for 49HS are…

CUTEST COUPLE: Dashon Goldson & Donte Whitner

http://www.nfl.com/videos/nfl-game-highlights/0ap2000000112518/Whitner-forces-fumble

MOST LIKELY TO SUCCEED: LaMichael James

http://www.nfl.com/videos/san-francisco-49ers/0ap2000000068196/Rollin-With-LaMichael-James

MOST LIKELY TO SECEDE: Randy Moss

http://www.sbnation.com/nfl/2013/1/29/3929120/super-bowl-2013-randy-moss-unhappy-role-49ers

GUY YOU CAN (most successfully) TAKE HOME TO YOUR PARENTS: Patrick Willis

So gracious! So strong! So much overcoming of so much adversity! So much homeowning! p.s. ‘sup Singletary

MOST LIKELY TO SNEAK UP ON YOU IN A DARK ALLEY: Justin Smith

http://www.nfl.com/videos/nfl-game-highlights/09000d5d82600ee5/No-stopping-him

CLASS CLOWN: Joe Staley

“look up the eighties!”

BIGGEST FLIRT: Vernon Davis

http://nfl.cpl.delvenetworks.com/player/carousel/yahoo.html?channelId=de89a8aeb3e422bac4eb48567f10ebd0&channelListId&mediaId=e27710791bf6451894f881dba0608b44

MOST LIKELY TO APPEAR ON SNL (as The Teenager Who Just Woke Up): Michael Crabtree

MOST TEAM SPIRIT: Anthony Dixon (Gold(rush)-ilocks)

WORST CASE OF SENIORITIS: David Akers (I mean, he’s definitely got a case of something)

MOST DEPENDABLE: Frank Gore

MOST LIKELY TO GET STUFFED IN A LOCKER: Alex Smith

MOST CHANGED SINCE ROOKIE YEAR: Mike Iupati

Rookie Mike

Third Year Mike

BEST DRESSED: Aldon Smith

BEST WORST HAIR: Alex Boone

TEACHER’S PET: Colin Kaepernick

http://www.49ers.com/news/article-2/Colin-Kaepernick-Change-the-Game/3f3bf720-836e-471e-a824-1283238b854c

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#kNAPernicking #49ers

That was…

NY Giants

DEN Broncos

WAS Redskins

IND Colts

JAX Jaguars

NO Saints

MIN Vikings

ARI Cardinals

SEA Seahawks

SD Chargers

PIT Steelers

KC Chiefs

SF 49ers

TEN Titans

Last week: 6-5

1. I do not know Greg Zuerlein personally, I only hate him because I am a 49ers fan.

2. If my Lawrence Tynes logic sounds faulty, that’s because it definitely is.

3. But anyway, those picks are…

STL Rams

ATL Falcons

CIN Bengals

CLE Browns

IND Colts

NY Jets

MIN Vikings

PIT Steelers

ARI Cardinals

DET Lions

NE Patriots

(Last week: 8-6)

If  you lose your pool on account of this, I’ll totally respect the #unfollow

BUF Bills

CHI Bears

DET Lions

GB Packers

NE Patriots

ARI Cardinals

SF 49ers

HOU Texans

DEN Broncos

PIT Steelers

CLE Browns

SD Chargers

DAL Cowboys

NY Giants

Last week: 9-6

My mom’s new son-in-laws are…

DET Lions

WAS Redskins

NE Patriots

TEN Titans

IND Colts

CLE Browns

OAK Raiders

KC Chiefs

MIA Dolphins

ATL Falcons

MIN Vikings

BAL Ravens

STL Rams

SF 49ers

GB Packers

CAR Panthers

Last week: Dismal (I will never disparage a person’s name or the letter K again).

p.s. soundtrack provided by chris thile