Watch the video and visit http://www.chelseyandkelsey.com and facebook.com/chelseyandkelsey to find your Pretty.
Last week’s Niners game was awful. Colin Kaepernick took a record number of sacks, was intercepted one and a half times, and his total QBR went from a 117 to a 42. It seemed like something other than the Panthers defense was getting him down. The only thing that could cause that big of a turnaround in production? A lady. He has a newishly rumored girlfriend Micha or Marie (depending on internet reports), an 18 year old ASU track star. They probably had an argument about how he wasn’t taking her track meets seriously.
There’s also his ex Sydney Leroux, who’s been flooding the internet and probably his brain with antics such as this.
Or maybe his other alleged ex Sanaa Lathan pulled him away for some pre-gaming of her own.
Dude’s got ladies coming out of his biceps and his game is affecting his game. For this week’s picks, I checked into potential relationship red flags to determine which quarterbacks had a better chance of keeping focused on the field.
JETS @ BILLS
My pick: BILLS
EJ Manuel doesn’t have an alleged girlfriend, but Geno Smith has this:
As Harold Hill once said, We got Trouble in River City. #MusicManreference #AnyFootballTheatercrossoverfansoutthere #no? #ok
FALCONS @ BUCCANNERS
My pick: Falcons
Matt Ryan’s wife Sarah just took a job in sales with the WNBA and is a former athlete herself. She knows better than to distract him on game day. Mike Glennon’s girlfriend Jess Wetherill’s Twitter bio reads “It’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring”, which sounds like the epiphany of a drunk college girl.
LIONS @ STEELERS
My pick: Lions
Matt Stafford has been with Kelly Hall since college. She is hot, recently stuck up for herself and her implants on Twitter and the two of them wore a couples costume together this Halloween (he a ref, she a sexy ref). Matt Stafford’s got to be feeling pretty confident out there these days to let something like this fly…
REDSKINS @ EAGLES
My pick: Eagles
You’d think RGIII’s relationship is solid based on his current Twitter activity which boasts “Good laugh at lunch today with the wife. Some people don’t care what’s on the menu. They just wanna use the restaurant john”, but you’d be wrong. He is currently involved in a scandal with a Hooters waitress (can’t it just for once be a Bennigan’s?) and the fact that she may or may not have texted and FaceTimed with RGIII on his wedding day. Whether or not that’s true, the alleged mistress’ Twitter feed is a lot of: “
@KatelynBryce: Just realized I haven’t worn a bra all day… Yup even to lab.. Is that weird? 😂😂😂” same here!”, so he’s got plenty on his dinner plate at the moment.
CARDINALS @ JAGUARS
My pick: Cardinals
Carson Palmer’s wife is a former USC soccer player and they’ve been together since college. They have four year old twins. Chad Henne’s wife just had a baby. Newborns beat four year olds in the stress department.
RAIDERS @ TEXANS
My pick: Texans
Case Keenum’s wife Kimberly had her bridal portraits taken in the stadium. That’s a level of dedication I don’t understand but can certainly judge. This woman lives for keeping her husband happy on that field.
RAVENS @ BEARS
My pick: Bears
Joe Flacco is one of the oddly many quarterbacks who have recently taken the field while their wife was in the hospital giving birth. That’s stressful enough, but when you take into account their height/size differential, I would think communication would be their biggest issue. Mainly, how does he hear her all the way up at that altitude? How does he not mistake her for a snack?
BROWNS @ BENGALS
My pick: Bengals
A quick Twitsearch reveals MAJOR drama in the Weeden household. His wife Melanie’s most recent tweet: “Welp, I just cut 8 inches of my hair off. 😯” Men fear change more than elephants fear mice and they definitely don’t understand our need to emotionally vent on our hair follicles, so I’d imagine Mr. Weeden is spending a lot of his time stressed about how to make it up to Melanie after giving her a deadly “it’s just…different!”
CHARGERS @ DOLPHINS
My pick: Chargers
A lot going on in this one. Philip Rivers’ wife Tiffany gave birth to their SEVENTH child a little over two weeks ago. Normally, a new baby would be super stressful, but the Rivers have an entire staff of children on hand to help out, so it can’t be all bad. Ryan Tannehill, however, is married Lauren Tannehill, who is more famous for being hot than he is for being an NFL quarterback. Keeping the most coveted woman on the internet happy has got to be just as terrifying as evading a five man rush. Our thoughts are with you, RT.
PACKERS @ GIANTS
My pick: Giants
Eli Manning and his wife Abby are college sweethearts and have a two year old. Scott Tolzien has no active Twitter, Instagram or Tinder profile, so I can’t very accurately analyze his social life, but he does have his first career NFL start this week. So there’s that.
VIKINGS @ SEAHAWKS
My pick: Seahawks
As much as it really pains me to say it…Like, migraine pains me to say it…Russell Wilson and his wife Ashton just might be the sweetest thing going. They’ve been together since high school, they volunteer together weekly at Seattle Children’s Hospital, and this was Ashton on draft day:
49ers @ SAINTS
My pick: No comment
See above for my analysis of the Kaepernick situation. Drew Brees, on the other hand, has been together with his wife Brittany since college. The biggest drama in their lives is the family’s lactose insensitivity.
CHIEFS @ BRONCOS
My pick: Chiefs
Peyton’s wife Ashley bought a minority stake in the Memphis Grizzlies a year ago and they have one year old twins. Aside from that, Ashley keeps a very, very low public profile. Alex Smith’s wife Elizabeth has an active Instagram feed which is full of pictures of their two adorable boys, including this one, which is just another example of how Alex is game for anything and everything. Not even being devoured by Goofy can phase this guy.
PATRIOTS @ PANTHERS
My pick: Patriots
Cam Newton may or may not be engaged to his girlfriend Hazel, a former stripper without a last name whom may or may not be pregnant. There’s also Twitter evidence that he is cheating on her with Promise B Mae, a radio personality.
I just don’t know how much more hot a mess can get.
The third season of Grimm premiered this week! If you thought I wouldn’t tie that into this week’s blog, you are so wrong it’s scary.
Here are the NFC West coaches and their corresponding Wesen identities, based mostly on appearance but also gossip.
If you haven’t seen Grimm and are confused, WATCH GRIMM ALREADY!!
Watching Matt Schaub get worked by the Niners last week got me thinking. He sure doesn’t look like an NFL quarterback.
I’m not even referring to his game play, I just mean his face. Judging by his face, he should be a…well, see below.
This week, I’m casting each team’s quarterback in the role they more obviously fit, aesthetically speaking.
I mean…that’s how I get my jobs. #witch
Dependent on how much facial hair he’s sporting, Rodgers is a Dermatologist, a Contractor, or The Guy Who Delivered You a Pizza in 1973.
Yes, I just wanted an excuse to use this photo, but swap those bears for a “SOLD” sign, and he’s a Real Estate Agent, surfing the best bus stop benches in the tri-state area.
Andy Dalton is an eHarmony Spokesman.
The only photos of EJ Manuel out of uniform are EJ Manuel out of shirt. Therefore, EJ Manuel is Captain Sean Renard on Grimm. #shirtlessrage
Matt Stafford is a Bacardi Limón Brand Rep.
Brandon Weeden is a Tucson, AZ Chase Bank Branch Manager.
In and out of glasses, Sam Bradford is The Property Brothers.
Matt Schaub is The Guy who Works for his Wife’s Father’s Commercial Real Estate Firm.
Terrell Pryor is Madonna’s New Trainer/Boyfriend.
Alex Smith is the Sixth Member of *NSYNC.
Cam Newton is a Yacht Owner.
Christian Ponder is the Manager of a Westchester County GNC/SoulCycle Instructor.
Ben Roethlisberger is a Hot Tub Salesman.
With that suit and that expression, Smith can be one of two things: NBA Coach or Morgan Stanley Senior Investment Strategist.
There’s no one who looks more like a “Nick” than Nick Foles. Nick Foles Manages the Ski Department at a Boulder REI.
Mike Glennon is Junior Class President.
Chad Henne Does Whatever his Wife Tells Him to Do.
Manning Face could say many things, especially “Sorry, ma’am. Dreyer’s Peppermint Ice Cream is a seasonal flavor.”
Peyton Manning is Manager of a Kroger Grocery Store.
Ryan Fitzpatrick is The Guy Who Cut Down the Wood that Went into Your Artisan Crafted Farmhouse Dining Table and Chairs.
Russell Wilson wears a smirk better than anyone. He is a NARC Undercover as a High School Chemistry Teacher.
Drew Brees is a Pediatric Dentist. He married his hygienist.
Tom Brady is the Actor Who Played Tom Brady in the Movie version of Super Bowl XLVI.
Carson Palmer Owns the Local Pizza Joint.
This is, literally, the only picture I found of Kaep that wasn’t shirtless or in uniform.
Colin Kaepernick is a The Real World Cast Member.
Robert Griffin III
Robert Griffin III is Shift Manager at a Juice Press in the East Village.
It’s the dreds and the grin and the looking totally high all the time. New Yorkers, back me up on this one.
Tony Romo is a Top 40 Crossover Country Singer.
Andrew Luck Owns an SAT Tutoring Company.
Philip Rivers is a Florida Country Club Golf Pro.
Eli Manning is an Entertainment Lawyer. Just trust me on this one.
It’s worth noting that most google images of a “Jay Cutler” search are this guy:
And Kristin Cavallari.
But this guy…
Inherited his Dad’s Bar but is currently serving time after being charged with seven counts of giving alcohol to minors.
Matt Ryan is a Massachusetts State Representative. Yes, because he looks like a Kennedy.
Ryan Tannehill just looks happy to be there (especially while his wife gets Aikman’d), so he is an NFL Equipment Manager.
The success of last week’s picks was an improvement on the previous week’s, but not by much.
That failure can most likely be blamed on the on the subjectivity of a flower’s beauty, SO!
This week I’m picking based on the rules of War (the card game).
The team with the higher starting quarterback jersey number wins. Very simple math.
It’s worth noting that Peyton Manning’s 18 is the highest of the lot, making him General.
NO SAINTS @ CHI BEARS
Drew Brees: 9
Jay Cutler: 6
MY PICK: Bears
NE PATRIOTS @ CIN BENGALS
Tom Brady: 12
Andy Dalton: 14
MY PICK: Bengals
DET LIONS @ GB PACKERS
Matt Stafford: 9
Aaron Rodgers: 12
MY PICK: Packers
SEA SEAHAWKS @ IND COLTS
Russell Wilson: 3
Andrew Luck: 12
MY PICK: Colts
BAL RAVENS @ MIA DOLPHINS
Joe Flacco: 5
Ryan Tannehill: 17
MY PICK: Dolphins
PHI EAGLES @ NY GIANTS
Michael Vick: 7
Eli Manning: 10
MY PICK: Giants
JAX JAGUARS @ STL RAMS
Chad Henne: 7
Sam Bradford: 8
MY PICK: Rams
KC CHIEFS @ TEN TITANS
Alex Smith: 11
Ryan Fitzpatrick: 4
MY PICK: Chiefs
CAR PANTHERS @ ARI CARDINALS
Cam Newton: 1
Carson Palmer: 3
MY PICK: Cardinals
DEN BRONCOS @ DAL COWBOYS
Peyton Manning: 18
Tony Romo: 9
MY PICK: Broncos
HOU TEXANS @ SF 49ERS
Matt Schaub: 8
Colin Kaepernick: 7
MY PICK: Too close to call (gulp).
SD CHARGERS @ OAK RAIDERS
Philip Rivers: 17
Terrell Pryor: 2
MY PICK: Chargers
NY JETS @ ATL FALCONS
Geno Smith: 7
Matt Ryan: 2
MY PICK: Jets
Last week: 5-14
Do you know your team’s state’s flower? I do! This week, I picked games based on the attractiveness and overall prettiness of the flowers representing each state, since most of the 49ers are in the recovery room right now. #Getwellsoon
(In the case of two teams from the same state playing each other, I judged city flags, of course)
BAL Ravens @ BUF Bills
Maryland: Black Eyed Susan
New York: Rose
WINNER: Ravens, because Roses make me think of the Bachelor which makes me think of barf, which is not at all pretty.
CIN Bengals @ CLE Browns
WINNER: Bengals, because the Cleveland flag looks like the generic Rite Aid version of Cincy’s. Not pretty.
CHI Bears @ DET Lions
Michigan: Apple Blossom
WINNER: Bears, because even though the word apple blossom is cute, a pansy was my sorority’s flower.
SEA Seahawks @ HOU Texans
WINNER: Texans, because Bluebonnets are prettier and taller and I took Bluebonnet brand vitamins this morning.
IND Colts @ JAX Jaguars
Florida: Orange blossom
WINNER: Colts, because although orange blossoms smell prettier, peonies look prettier.
NY Giants @ KC Chiefs
New York: Rose
WINNER: Chiefs, because see above. A Hawthorn is NOT very competitive in the pretty flower wars, so it’s very lucky they’ve got a New York team this week.
PIT Steelers @ MIN Vikings
Pennsylvania: Mountain Laurel
Minnesota: Lady’s Slipper
WINNER: Steelers, because Mountain Laurels look like parasols, which are very ladylike and pretty.
ARI Cardinals @ TB Buccaneers
Arizona: Saguaro Blossom
Florida: Orange Blossom
WINNER: Battle of the Blossoms! Buccaneers win, based mostly on the success of the Jo Malone orange blossom scented candle.
NY Jets @ TEN Titans
New York: Rose
WINNER: Titans. New York teams just aren’t going to win at all this week.
PHI Eagles @ DEN Broncos
Pennsylvania: Mountain Laurel
WINNER: Broncos, because how pretty is that Columbine? Plus obvious emotional remembrance bonus points.
WAS Redskins @ OAK Raiders
Washington, D.C.: American Beauty Rose
WINNER: Raiders, because a rose by any other name would smell as sweet but also still be a rose and you know how I feel about roses.
DAL Cowboys @ SD Chargers
WINNER: San Diego. I like both of these flowers, but poppies are very cheerful and that’s like being pretty AND having a good personality.
NE Patriots @ ATL Falcons
Georgia: Cherokee Rose
WINNER: Falcons. These are both Plain Janes of the flower world, but a Cherokee Rose has one more petal than the Mayflower, so that’s got to count for something.
MIA Dolphins @ NO Saints
Florida: Orange Blossom
WINNER: Dolphins. This is a very tricky one because both flowers are classic beauties and very fragrant, but an Orange Blossom has sturdier and silkier petals.
For this week’s picks, I looked at the importance of the offensive line. Points don’t get put on the board without a strong, committed and faithful offensive line, giving the quarterback time to make good decisions. The only obvious way to judge the potential effectiveness of the O-line is to see which members are married.
Certainly, those gents understand the importance of commitment, faithfulness and good decision making. And if not that, they’ve got wives keeping them home at night, insuring a better night’s sleep than their single counterparts.
In case of a tie, amount of children have been factored.
HOU Texans @ BAL Ravens
Houston: 2 out of 5 MARRIED
Baltimore: 1 out of 5 MARRIED
NY Giants @ CAR Panthers
New York: 4 out of 5 MARRIED
Carolina: 2 out of 5 MARRIED
GB Packers @ CIN Bengals
Green Bay: 3 out of 5 MARRIED (2 children)
Cincinnati: 3 out of 5 MARRIED (0 children)
STL Rams @ DAL Cowboys
St. Louis: 3.5 out of 5 MARRIED (Rodger Saffold is engaged)
Dallas: 0 out of 5 MARRIED
CLE Browns @ MIN Vikings
Cleveland: 1 out of 5 MARRIED
Minnesota: 2 out of 5 MARRIED
TB Buccaneers @ NE Patriots
Tampa Bay: 1 out of 5 MARRIED
New England: 2 out of 5 MARRIED
AZ Cardinals @ NO Saints
Arizona: 2 out of 5 MARRIED
New Orleans: 3 out of 5 MARRIED
SD Chargers @ TEN Titans
San Diego: 2 out of 5 MARRIED (2 children)
Tennessee: 2 out of 5 MARRIED (Levitre posted a ‘side boob’ pic of his girlfriend -1)
DET Lions @ WAS Redskins
Detroit: 2 out of 5 MARRIED
Washington: 3 out of 5 MARRIED
ATL Falcons @ MIA Dolphins
Atlanta: 1 out of 5 MARRIED
Miami: 1 out of 5 MARRIED (1 child)
BUF Bills @ NY Jets
Buffalo: 2 out of 5 MARRIED
New York: 2 out of 5 MARRIED
No kids, but D’Brickashaw Ferguson’s foundation advises children on healthy eating habits and ways to stay active.
JAX Jaguars @ SEA Seahawks
Jacksonville: 3 out of 5 MARRIED (Brad Meester has 6 girls and a child named Adalynn)
Seattle: 1 out of 5 MARRIED
[JACKSONVILLE, AW SHITE]
IND Colts @ SF 49ers
Indianapolis: 2 out of 5 MARRIED
San Francisco: 4 out of 5 MARRIED
CHI Bears @ PIT Steelers
Chicago: 3 out of 5 MARRIED
Pittsburgh: 2 out of 5 MARRIED
OAK Raiders @ DEN Broncos
Oakland: 0 out of 5 MARRIED
Denver: 0 out of 5 MARRIED (but Denver’s Center is named Manny Ramirez and the baseball Manny Ramirez has 3 children, so…)
Hi, football friends!
No theme this week. On account of this being the first post of the season, I’m going with the ol’ gut.
STL @ ATL
My pick: STL
Why: Dragon Con (in Atlanta) gave me a cold.
CLE @ BAL
My pick: CLE
Why: The only way you’ll get me to pick the Ravens is if they play the Seahawks.
CAR @ BUF
My pick: CAR
Why: Cam Newton has 106, 479 Twitter followers and only one single tweet since his draft day two years ago. The only person with a more inexplicably devoted Twitter following is Ryan Gosling. You do that math.
MIN @ CHI
My pick: CHI
Why: Adrian Peterson can’t hand-off the ball to himself. Yet.
WAS @ GB
My pick: GB
Why: All those telling Clay Matthews to pick on someone his own size? 1.91m Clay Matthews, meet 1.88m RGIII. #metrics
TEN @ HOU
My pick: TEN
Why: I had really good hush puppies in LA this week.
MIA @ IND
My pick: IND
Why: Mike Wallace is gonna need at least one more weeks to wipe the money out of his eyes.
DAL @ KC
My pick: KC
Why: I feel for Alex Smith like a little brother who just found a sweet new girlfriend after his old one cheated with the captain of the football team. Alex, just don’t fart in front of her too soon!
SD @ PHI
My pick: PHI
Why: Wouldn’t Mint Chocolate Chip Kelly would be a great ice cream flavor?
DET @ ARI
My pick: DET
Why: Two of my nearest/dearest had a baby this week, she’s gorgeous, and parents both have Michigan roots. Family pick.
NO @ TB
My pick: NO
Why: I feel bad I didn’t finish all of Treme.
DEN @ NYG
My pick: NYG
Why: Eli and Peyton had the EXACT same completion percentage last week, but I miss New York.
JAX @ OAK
My pick: OAK
Why: I have no idea who Oakland’s QB is, but I know that both of Jacksonville’s whole situation is a mess.
SF @ SEA
My pick: SF
Why: I’m too nervous to type.
PIT @ CIN
My pick: CIN
Why: Orange is the New Black
ANQUAN BOLDIN, WR
He’s not old, he’s my exact age. His foundation supports dental programs for children. I brush my teeth about seven times a day, so now you understand my excitement.
GLENN DORSEY, DE (former team: KC Chiefs)
Pro: His first sack in the NFL was against Philip Rivers.
Con: He has only had four sacks in 3 years.
Pro: That’s probably because he’s switched up positions, proving he’s versatile.
DAN SKUTA, LB (former team: CIN Bengals)
The hope is that he upgrades our punt protection unit? I’m asking because I really don’t know.
CRAIG DAHL, S (former team: STL Rams)
He is not related to Roald. He played QB in high school. He got a 22 on the Wonderlic, a score that corresponds to the skills necessary for a bank teller. None of these things make me confident in his abilities as a safety, but we couldn’t beat the Rams last year, so maybe he was a part of that?
MARLON MOORE, WR (former team: MIA Dolphins)
Seems nice, but was a Cowboys fan growing up, while living in Oakland, so outlook not so good.
PHIL DAWSON, K (former team: CLE Browns)
He went 29-31 last year. He has a rule named after him, which allows kicks that hit the crossbar to be reviewed. This is my favorite pickup yet.
DARCEL MCBATH, S (former team: SF 49ers)
I had no idea he was a San Francisco 49er.
DASHON GOLDSON, S (went to: TB Buccaneers)
Our secondary is indeed soft and I started having doubts about The Hawk toward the end of the season is what I tell myself to make myself feel better when I realize we don’t have him anymore.
ALEX SMITH, QB (went to: KC Chiefs)
Aside from his reliable-to-solid on the field play, Alex Smith is the goody-two-shoes friend that gets ushered into the high school cool clique for the sole purpose of keeping worrisome parents at bay. I know how he feels and I will miss my comrade in arms. (P.S. What is the bad kid version? Sally-lost-her-shoes-cause-she’s-a-slut?)
DELANIE WALKER, TE (went to: TEN Titans)
Delanie Walker makes Vern better and he knows how to block. I understand losing Goldson because he’s not worth 40-ish million dollars, but DWalk went for about a fourth of that price and was at least 3/4 as helpful, in my opinion. Math!
RICKY JEAN FRANCOIS, T (went to: IND Colts)
I am devastated to be losing this:
After denouncing his involvement in the ‘It Gets Better’ anti-bullying campaign when he found out his message was being used in support of gay teens, I say good riddance.
TED GINN, JR., WR (went to: CAR Panthers)
He made plays but was injured often. We can recoup in the draft or with Darcel McBath, just kidding he’s not a 49er, oh wait…